Full Heart - Long Post

Within 24 hours, my heart has been through some things and I just feel like I need to talk about them. I'll try to keep it together, but if I start rambling...well.. enjoy.. its my world right?

It started yesterday, waiting for my friend to arrive to the nail shop so we could have our birthday pedicures. I was on facebook and saw a status that alarmed me. So me being the one that I am, I trolled for a little bit, only to confirm the worst. A family member transitioned into their next life time at the hands of someone else. With the way of the world and how the media is set up, it almost seems as if you become de-sensitized to murder stories you hear or read about...until it hits close to home. This family member is an in-law of mine, my husband grew up with this man, hell Quon is the one that put him on to rapping and doing music. So there is a definite sadness for not only a great person who lost his life here in this plane, but also to see my husband sit in a daze, shake his head and say 'damn man.' I hate it for him and the whole family. Quon was really a great dude and you can see it by the many posts that have been put to his facebook page about how he was a great friend. His legacy is one that his mother should be proud of, her son was a great man. 

So while Im waiting for official word from a family member about Quon, I was able to have a comedic moment with my friend during our pedicure. I learned that I will never sit in the second seat on the left in that particular nail shop again. The pedicure chairs are supposed to massage and soothe you.. HA! The chair I got was like a hospital bed gone wrong. It sat straight up making me sit something like hunched over; for a minute I thought that I was going to be sqooshed like you see when the hospital beds close up on folks. The seat had some type of pressure that was applied to my butt while smooshing my legs together.  It was almost like it was trying to smoosh me into a ball. lol 

I was trying to press buttons and fix it so I could enjoy my massage and sit something like relaxed, apparently while I was struggling with the remote, the lady across the way was cracking the hell up. There is no telling how long she was silently dying inside from my struggle, but Im glad I was able to make her day. Needless to say, my lower back is kind of tender today, so the struggle wasnt really worth it, but the time with my friend was great and well needed. Anndd my toes were fabulous in my peep toes at the concert. 

What concert you say? Oh, I just went to the PRINCE concert last night. Let me first explain that the stress to get these tickets was intense. These tickets went on sale the Monday before the concert at 10 am.. Do you know that I was on the site at 10:07 and they were SOLD OUT?!?!?! I was hurt. So I carried on with my life and continued on trying the best I could. lol I think it was Wednesday, a co-worker of mine sent me a message telling me that they have added a 3rd show and it was Sunday. Do you know any and everything that I was doing at that particular moment STOPPED. It truly was one of those situations of dont talk to me while I'm doing this, because if you do, you will make the internet crash and I will never get these tickets. (Yeah it was that serious) Needless to say, I got my tickets. It was meant for me to be there. See, I was raised as a Prince child. You know how some will say it was either Prince or Michael, well I remember more Prince than I do Michael and will always love that little narrow man in the purple. 

So the day started off busy yesterday, I had some hair to do, got some bad news, was beat up by a massage chair and had to walk two blocks from the car (we wanted a quick escape route and miss traffic.) We got to the palace and right off the bat, they were telling us that pictures were not allowed, no recording devices, nada. I wasn't really sure how they were going to enforce it, but I wasn't surprised since Prince has all of his music on LOCKDOWN. Hence the reason why you cant find much if any on the internet. So we get to our seats and immediately, I take a couple of pics (insert evil grin) they were just of the stage area and my handsome date for the night. When the show starts, they tried to play a few intro pieces to a couple of songs and then whoosh, the curtains come up and there is this man, in a purple fit, with sparkly silver shoes and an afro standing behind the symbol that once represented his name, at that exact moment I had such a wave of emotions come over me. Some may have thought I was crying because Prince just came on the stage, I was really crying because I missed my aunt Thais something terrible and was wishing she could be there to enjoy this moment with me. Even writing this now, just thinking about it makes me cry. I'm not going to lie, I was there in that building for me and for her because I know she would have loved to be there. So I made sure I enjoyed every moment of that concert not only for myself but for her. I dont know if the people behind me saw much, but I know I stood for the majority of that concert.  I wanted her to feel and enjoy this as much as I did. There is only one word that I can think of that can describe that concert: MAGICAL. That man DID HIS THING  on that stage. He made that guitar cry, he played the keyboard, he was on the bass, he was skipping across that stage truly putting on a show. That show will be my #1 for life, it was a dream come true. In having an emotional moment for my aunt during that time, I could tell that there was sadness due to Quons recent passing and it my baby didn't enjoy the concert as much as he could have. 

It was almost like I was using the concert as a method to block the processing of recent passings and now that I've come off of my Prince high, my heart can process the hurt and sorrow. So today during work, while our systems were down and there was plenty of time to do nothing I was able process the sadness that comes with situations like this. It doesn't help that I had something like a small flood gate of emotions watching that man in the purple suit. Hell, I had to come home and watch the slide show of my aunt just so i could see her smile again. I dont think that I handle death as well as others sometimes. And the bad part is, the two deaths that I have/am dealing with as an adult were of people that I did not talk to or interact with on a regular basis.  I feel like I almost have to find something to keep me distracted from all of this, because I can just cry my heart out. And this is for both Quon and my aunt Thais, when really I'm crying because they are not in the physical state anymore, I know they are still here with us, if they weren't I would not have had such an overwhelming experience at the concert last night. 

Now that I've gone from down, up, down, I must come back to a happy place in my emotions and make a happy heart. Some of my readers may or may not know that I am starting a garden this year.  I was able to find some pallets for free and have been working to disassemble them so I can reassemble them to make a raised garden bed. Since I was able to get home earlier than normal today, Sr helped pull pallets apart while I cleaned the back yard. I am happy to say that my raised garden bed will be ready soon. I will write more on that once it is complete, I have been taking pictures as well.  So that is exciting. 

Anyway, thanks for reading whoever you are.  I know its been a while since I've written, but with a heart so full, it was only right. 

Rest Easy Quon. You are loved by many and will be truly missed. Thank you for accepting me in this family and help make the man I love so much, the great person he is. I guess I'll see you next life time. 

New year, new me..

Isn't that how the saying goes? Well it is a new year, but its not a new me, just one that is improving. As last year came to a close, i had a real moment in the sense that i realized i was not happy with certain aspects of myself  and my life. So with that, i knew that changes were in order.  I decided that starting January 1, i was going to fast from sun up to noon and in doing so i would pray more and really listen and take the guidance being provided to me. Along with am fasting, i have also been meditating in the evening.  That has given me so much clarity and peace in itself. I am seeing changes not only in myself but also in others around me especially my son. Its almost like a light has gone off with him and his attitude has flipped for the better.  Hes never been a horribly bad kid, just a 4 year old that can make your head hurt...well with me anyway.  But its like hes turning into a whole new dude, its crazy but i a grateful.  Ive noticed that i am becoming more patient and more peaceful. I dont let much alter my energy, especially in the area that needed fixing the most (my job). Im grateful for these changes. im grateful for the more natural changes i have been making as well. Oil pulling more often, lemon water daily, no fluoride infested toothpaste,  all natural deoderant, essential oils... its just little things that make such a difference. It's not a new me, just an improving one. I have about 12 days left of fasting. Lets see what else Allah will do for me.

That is all. Be blessed.

1st Time Mommy- Deer In The Headlights Look All Over Again

Anxiety. Anxiety is the best way to describe my current feeling and continual feeling since Friday. Or maybe sensory overload? Fear, doubt, uncertainty?

These feelings started Friday because I started making plans to attend the elementary school showcase here in our district. That started the uncertainty, since I had no idea what to expect, what to do, where to start. Thankfully Sr went with me and we prep talked before getting there about our expectations and what we  thought we knew. So we get there and starts the words of clusters, transportation, magnets, traditional, applications and so forth. O. M. G.

So now stuff is starting to hit me. Like Omg were here looking at schools for my soon to be kindergartner. Where has the time gone? Omg my baby is growing up and isn't a baby anymore. How is he going to do in school with all the big kids? I hope he doesn't give his teacher hell. I hope he doesn't try to mack on his teacher. Will he get bullied? Will he be a bully? These are all thoughts that ran through my head in all of 30 seconds after taking with the assistant principal of one school.  Keep in mind while I'm having a million thoughts run through my head, I'm looking crazy wandering around this ballroom.

We got some good information about the schools in our cluster, we found out we will have transportation within our cluster and we, will I'm still kinda on the fence of magnet vs traditional schools. So comes the next part, visiting schools and determining what we like and what we feel is best. With that being said it was asked how the schools of our choice test scores look. This brought on a whole second wave of overstimulation. Now I'm looking like Omg what does this mean, this percentile- is it more good than bad, what is this based off of etc. Anxiety all over again. Then I see posts about the brigance test and ho so and sos child did this or missed that, passed this. That sends me into a whole nother tizzy. Can you see why I'm on overload yet? Now in trying to figure out where this test is, when it should or should have been done, has it already been done-if so how did Jr do. *enter doubt and uncertainty on behalf of the mother *
I've never heard of any of this before this. Wtf is this and where are we in relation to this? Now in feeling like: well I should been known about this. What is my daycare doing to prepare him? I know I've slacked off on my end when it comes to home work, I've probably failed him. Like this all stuff that I'm feeling right now, and lightweight cry about. Im stressed about this.

If you've gone through this process, is all of this norma? Am I crazy? A little bit of both? Pray for me

How do you deal?

With every season change comes a season change. And that mess will come whether you're ready or not. What do you do or how do you deal when you're seasons change unexpectedly? How do you feel when your season changes in a way that impacts you in a negative way?  When my season changes, I always learn something new. It can be some new feeling that I didn't know I had, like when I first cut my hair. That feeling was something like a little more sass mixed with a lil bit of bad ass. Lol
I had some unexpected situation come up recently and when I was telling my Sr about it, he told me that this could've easily been avoided had I done xyz. Immediately after he said that, I was feeling some kind of way because he was blaming me for this situation when in fact he was right. Had I taken care of business when I was supposed to, my lesson could've been on a whole different subject. But it's not so oh well.

With some of your most recent season changes what have you learned? How do you deal?

life

Four months since writing, not so proud of myself, but that's life right?  my life. Lol

My life is constantly evolving, shaking and moving. It has made me stronger, more confident in myself, more conscious and aware. It has given me a multitude of emotions and feelings, some of which have been completely new to me. Life has made me better. A better mom, wife, daughter, sister and cousin. Life has given me reason, understanding, peace and a little more patience. I am grateful for life and all of its opportunities it's provided me. Life has made me who I have become, who I am becoming and an idea of who I will be. I am grateful for life and all of those  in it.

To my beautiful aunt who is no longer in my life, I love you. You have raised some pretty awesome children who are very smart and strong individuals. I only hope I can do the same with mine. You have inspired me to educate my son just like you did us every summer. It's amazing how I much I miss you, knowing we didn't talk as often as we should have. I admit, I took your being alive for granted, and for that I am sorry. I love you and thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life and in passing. Without you, I wouldn't be stronger, wiser and better. Thank you. I hope when I see you in the next life time, those 3  little words will have the same meaning.

I love you, be glad that you are free

Busy Little Bee

In motion, that's what I've been. It all started last weekend. I had this great idea about how I wanted my hair to be. Thanks to my email subscription to Natural Hair Rules, I decided that I wanted to do yarn wraps/locs or faux locs. I thought it would be a great idea since its about to be hot outside, my hair needs a break from the heat, and natural big hair is hot. So 20 hours later, this is what I look like. I love them. We shall see how long they last.

If you like em and want yours done, let me know, we can talk prices. If you want anything else done, twists, braids, updos, flatirons, whatever, I can do it. Lets talk!

So after I got this done, we decided we were going hiking. We went to a park here locally and had a blast. This was everyones first time hiking, I can guarantee it wont be the last. We actually plan on going back tomorrow, this time were adding to the group. 

Today was the first day of the rest of my life as a "Sports Mom." My baby (who isn't a baby anymore) started TeeBall

I am #10's mom. And according to my friend, I am the "loud mom." Guess what?!? I don't care! I posted a video on Instagram of him when he was batting, and all you can hear is me yelling "Run baby Run." In my defense, I yelled for everyone's kid. I was something like "assistant coach" today. (yes I gave myself that title)  After all, I had to help get the kids in order for batting and keep the bench right today. So the AC title is appropriate. LOL Even dad got put to work today, he held down 3rd base to make sure the kids ran there and not all over the field. As my cousin Coco said, youth sports is Organized Chaos. It was too cute. All the kids would swarm the ball when it was hit and run everywhere, some of the kids after they hit it would go chase the ball too. It was too funny. Needless to say, I am pumped for the season. I will have on my team colors next week. I love it.

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My last post was about 3 weeks ago when all of the fun Derby festivities were starting.. Today is DERBY!! So much has happened within that time, I just have to share. I think the most game changing event that has happened thus far is my promotion. I applied to be a team lead in the same call center I work in about a month ago. That was one of the longest months in my life. lol I applied and from there it took about 2 weeks to get the phone interview, from there it took another week to get the face to face interview and then it was like a bajilion weeks to hear something back. i kid, but that's what it felt like. I got this news on a Friday, so you know that started the weekend off right! This past week, I started in my role. When i did the team lead thing last year for a 2 month stint, it didn't seem to start out so rough. But when i was interim before, my team was training still, so I had time to prepare and get myself ready, whereas with this, I'm starting off filling someone elses shoes. That is a whole new game. lol Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I just have to come a little more prepared. I'm going to take a little more time Sunday to get a little more prepared for this upcoming week. I've obtained allot of good info and resources from other leads, so now i just have to organize them in a fashion that will work for me. Ive said it before and I'll say it again. I will be the best damn lead ever. I'm excited for this challenge.

Some of my readers may know that my wonderful little boy is a Derby baby. Which means he will always have a bomb birthday when he gets older. So to start his birthday weekend off, I decided to take him to Churchill Downs to watch the horses practice.

We got out there about 7:00 Thursday morning, I wasn't sure what to expect so it was something new to the both of us. Let me tell you, for someone who knows nothing of horses or horse racing, watching those horses practice was one beautiful moment. Ive never been to Churchill Downs before, Ive been to the museum, but that does no justice whatsoever for the track. I enjoyed watching the horses prance past us up close and personal, but i enjoyed my sons reaction to the horses more. Hes growing up to be such a big young man, it just makes my eyes water every time i think about it.

In case you were wondering who the winning derby horse is going to be, let me give you a little insight.. 

Little Tiny will be this years winner.

After going to the track, we went to the Pegasus Parade. This was the first year going to the parade since being out here, and it was chilly. But the weather every Derby is generally chilly. But we were out there watching everything going down. 

This was the best view in the house, too bad it was only enough room for one.

This is my life. I wouldn't change a thing.