Monday, February 20, 2017

From 1 to 3

Remember how my last post I said I was due any day now, and that I hope I made a difference in little buddys life with that one weekend? Well guess what? The baby has made her entrance and little buddy is now a resident of the house. We went from 1 to 3 in a matter of 2 weeks, talk about change.

This journey that we are on right now, its a bit bumpy, but you know what, it is one with lessons. We are all not only adjusting during this period, but we are also learning, Learning about each other and more importantly ourselves. I knew that when we had Rza life was going to be different, less sleep, more crying, smelly diapers, the works. What I had not planned for was to have a new baby and a new bonus kid at the same time and trying to figure both of them out and how to function with them.

It will be almost 2 months that Rza has blessed us, she is sleeping more, smiling more and even starting to coo at us. Although she tends to be a bit fussy at times, I wouldn't have her any other way. She is the night to Jrs day. Even at 2 months I can tell the difference in them, when he was a baby he was goofy and always smiling. With her, shes very serious and observant. Yes she smiles at you, but you have to work for that smile and even then sometimes its a one sided smile, just enough to show you her one dimple. This is her every day look at you while you sit there and talk baby and make faces at her.

Little buddy has done some good adjustment since being with us as well. He is still getting along with Jr as well as two boys who are the same age can. There is a lot of fussing, name calling and farting that happens in that room but at the end of the day they are "big bro" and "little bro." From what I've observed thus far, I think little buddy feels comfortable and accepted in our house. Hell as much as him and Jr get in trouble, he should know that he belongs here. But I think it's what he needed. He is around a family that looks like him, and treats him like one of their own with no favorites. I am glad that he is with us, he is teaching me about myself and making me have to adjust and adapt. Its a process that's for sure. 

Well here's to another chapter in our book. 

Peace and blessings 

Monday, January 2, 2017

New lessons 2 days in.

Its the 2nd day of the new year and i can say im already learning. This past weekend was the first time our house hosted a foster child, although we have been a foster house for a little under a year now. When the agency initially called me, they were looking to place this young melanated 7 year old boy in a family that resembled him, and was a 2 parent house hold. I was told that he was coming from the sticks of Ky and was getting a lot of racial comments made towards him. Immediately, Sr and I said yes just because of those circumstances alone. A few weeks had gone by and i hadnt heard anything, so i figured the social worker changed their mind. *shrugs shoulders* it is what it is.  A week before christmas, i get a call saying they want to place him with us for the weekend to see how he does, so i set it up to take him  nye weekend not really knowing what to expect.  Now ive been around foster kids before since my mother in law has had them for as long as i can remember, but to actually be the "mom," i had no idea what to expect, especially being pregnant and due any day now. Turns out being a foster mom isn't as scary as i thought it would be especially when you have a good kid who listens.  We got lil buddy home that Friday night and did pizza and movies  to get him comfortable and situated.  It was a relief to see him and jr instantly click and start playing pokemon cards and talk. When it was time to eat, dude ate one piece of pizza when i had made 2 of them expecting for him to be ready to eat. Ok, no big deal, hes still feeling us out not really knowing what to expect, i get it. Next day he said he wanted just 1 egg to eat for breakfast, but quickly realized all was well here and asked for seconds. That was a great moment for me because he was comfortable enough to ask for more to eat. #winning The weekend turned out just fine having dude here, he only had one accident and was proud of himself that it hadnt happened after that first night and even asked for chores. (A child after my heart) lol When it was time to bring him back, my heart hurt. I know youre not supposed to get emotionally attached in situations like this, but how can you not? I like to think that this weekend, dude didn't have to worry about a thing, other than cleaning up toys. I have no clue what his normal day to day life is like, but i hope while he was here he had no worries. This weekend has given me a memory i wont forget. My first experience as a foster mother was conquered, its possible and i feel like we have made a small difference in his life, even if its only a good memory.  I remember talking to someone when we first thought about becoming foster parents and being asked why. My response was that i want to help my people. I cant be out doing activism work, and people are always so quick to either blame the youth or write them off, so with them is where i want to try and make a difference. This weekend, i feel like i did. 💜

Monday, July 25, 2016

Good luck with your son and I hope he does not think/learn that pets are something that can be cast aside when life gets tough

The title was something directed at me today after I asked for guidance on how to help a child cope with having to give an animal away.  As if the decision isnt hard enough, these are the type of answers I get from co-workers. I asked how would you help break the news, and explain to a 6 year old about having to surrender the dog in a way that he will best understand and be the least bit traumatizing for him. There were 52 responses on this post, out of all of those ONE person, ONE, gave me options for books to help with losing a pet. ONE. I felt like reading some of the responses was like reading comments about a BLM movement on fox news. It was horrible.

  • "I cant imagine giving my dog away, when we got him we made a commitment to him. He had been failed by humans before and abandoned. . . I wont allow that to happen again on my watch.If by chance we had a baby and didn't feel comfortable with the two around each other, I would have a kennel built for him in our backyard to keep them separate."

I love how the internet thugs will come out and try to make you feel some kind of way not knowing the whole situation. Always quick to judge and not provide any results. It was almost like a glimpse into the family of the child who fell in the gorilla pit at the zoo earlier this year and all the shit they got. the persecution happening for asking how to ease the pain for my child, and not what to do with the dogs. Im pretty sure my coworkers would have stoned me of giventhe opportunity.

  • "I don't mean to be harsh but I could never "give up" on a family member just because of a birth of a child or due to "moving".  You took on the responsibility of pet ownership when you got them and putting down a old dog just because you are having a baby and moving...well maybe I am missing something here, but that just does not make any sense to me....then again, when I signed on to own pets, they are my children and I treat them as such.  So putting one of them down due to a lifestyle change just seems plain crazy.  There are many people out there that will adopt an aging dog.  As far as surrendering your "beloved" Bella B, have you tried the GSP Rescue in your area?  This would be a much better route to go than taking her to the Humane Society.  This is going to be very traumatic for her too!  Going to a foster home is much better and less traumatic for a dog.  Good luck with your son and I hope he does not think/learn that pets are something that can be cast aside when life gets tough."
This post today truly showed me the priority of certain people and how clearly one life matters more than another. The emotional well being of the dog took so much priority in this post, that they even had people volunteering to try and get one of my dogs to WISCONSIN to a family that may want her. WISCONSIN. People would rather volunteer their time and gas money (because im not giving any) to get a dog to wisconsin, then try to help a mother make a smooth transition of loosing parts of the family. I seriously feel like I just had conversations with an "all lives matter" crew. I ended up taking the post down because the original question was being ignored and answered with how Im such an irresponsible pet owner. Shit happens, and if these people dont realize that or know what a sacrifice it is to give my dogs up, well to hell with them. I would have never thought a post seeking help would be so emotionally draining as this one was. But my husband said it right, thats what i get for asking the public.  Oh well, now to build my confidence back up to handle the business I know needs to be done to make a better life for our family. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

April 21, 2016

Yesterday, a scab was ripped open and the wound was deeper than I could have ever expected. I was at work when a news alert came across my phone saying there was a death at the home of Prince in Paisley Park. My first thought was that he had a party and one of those in attendance died. I had no feeling of sorrow or sadness because I just knew Prince was ok. Then the tags on facebook started happening, messages from co-workers started coming through, and then there it was...  Prince dead at 57. I went to multiple sites trying to verify nothing has been confirmed, then it hit me. Prince, the artist formally known as, Mr. Purple Rain himself has moved on to his next life time. Sitting at my desk at work, the tears silently fall to my lap. How can this be? This man, who blessed us with 4 encores last year at the palace is no more. Prince.. gone. After seeing the confirmation on multiple sites, the hurt settled in. He is no longer here with us but he is jammin out with my Aunt Thais. Then it really hit me, my aunt Thais.. she loved him. Even more than my mom, who would play Prince on the weekend while we cleaned. I can hear my aunts laugh as she fusses about us not knowing anything about Prince, and I see her, my mother and my aunt Syl dancing in her kitchen the year we all surprised my grandmother for her 80th birthday. Prince helped me grieve my aunt when she passed. I cant tell you how many times my son and I listened to Free on our 19 hour drive back from her funeral. I listen to that song when I miss grossing her out by telling her that I love her. Now I cant even listen to that song, its too soon. I have cried so much within these past 24 hours of his death its crazy. I cry for him because he is gone, and no longer here to give us his love. I cry because  he is with my aunt. I cry because the one connection i had to her, is no longer here. My heart and soul ache right now. Yeah Prince wasnt my blood family, but he was in my house on a regular basis and even though I can still listen to him, its different now. The wound of my aunts passing was not completely healed, and this just made the cut that much deeper. How am I to mourn her when hes no longer here either. On April 21, 2016 we lost a man that has helped so many in so many ways. I hope the party is jumpin and aunt Thais is having the time of her life with you while the entire world mourns. PRINCE Rodgers Nelson, I love you enjoy your time with my aunt, i know shes pumped to see you. 💜

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Make AmeriKKKa Great Again

Right before my eyes, I am watching this country A.) Go to hell in a flaming hand basket B.) Divide to be conquered and C.) Show its true colors.  

trumps slogan is to make ameriKKKa great again.. Im my 30 years, the history Ive been taught has never really indicated that ameriKKKa was great to begin with. Hell Columbus "discovered" ameriKKKa even though there were already people here and he was such a great person, he gave the natives small pox infected blankets. That has to be the greatness this fool trump keeps referring to right? Or maybe it was all the great actions that our black leaders  suffered from and fought against in the 60's and 70's trying to prove themselves equals to the whites who had power right? Yes, that must be the great times trump is referring to. Getting beaten,hung, having the  police beat your ass because your black. Ah yes, great times.  The seriously scary part is we are reliving this shit now. And it is okay with a lot of people. Rallies where presidential candidates are supposed to speak and show the people why they are going to be a good president for this great country are turning violent and its always the same story. Supporters of trump -who appreciates the violence at his rallies- are putting their hands on anyone who is not like them. This fools son is saying the country is divided now because people are protesting this racist bastard trump, when in fact trump is anti-muslim, anti-black, anti-mexican. Does this not mean that you are dividing those who you do not  think like or support trump like the white sheep? When this man speaks, he says nothing, yet the crowd goes wild EVERY FREAKING TIME.  Ive watched footage of a friend when she was down there at the rally when trump was in town, it wasnt half as bad as the footage from Chicago. But still people were putting their hands on folks as if it were ok. This is why i did not go to this rally, because i will not allow someone to put their hands on me because i dont agree with this bastard. I want to say this is scary to watch all of this unfold, but as the same time, its not really surprising to me. Let me say its an eye opening event.  

As my eyes become open to this madness and I shake my head, my next question is how do i explain this to my son? Raising a melanated child a world that seems to be taking steps back is a daily worry for me. Racism is a taught behavior as is hate, however how do you explain things to your 6 year old in a way that they understand that not everyone different from them is a bad person, yet it seems like there are more and more out there? They have white kids at schools telling melanated children that they will be deported once trump gets into office. These are children. CHILDREN. How do you explain hatred to your child without tainting them? Without taking their innocence? Explain to a 6 year old that because you have brown skin and you are a male, people already feel some kind of way about you, even though you are cute and a great person, they still have prejudged you and expect nothing but the worse. That because you are brown and a male, you have to work harder, and always be aware of your surrounding. I dont want to have these conversations with my son already, but it seems like it is becoming more and more of a requirement that i do and the earlier i do it the better.  If we are to make ameriKKKa great "again" then we need soldiers and strong souls. 

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Today is the day.

Today i feel each and every one of the 700 miles that separates me from my parents. Today is the day that i knew was coming, yet i cant help but to cry. Today is the day i sit in my corner at work and try to cry as silently as i can. Today is the day that i lean on those in my circle more than i have ever done before. Today is the day that i will more than likely do nothing productive because i cant keep my mind from trying to visualize what is going on. Today is the day that my eye will not stop twitching. Today is the day that i will try to hide my red watery eyes and red nose from my son.
Although i knew that my father was having surgery today, it still worries me and makes me nervous, especially since im not there to help in anyway. -- This was written January 4, 2016. This day was the beginning of one of the most stressful times in my life. My father had been diagnosed with cancer, and that day was the day that he would have an 8+ hour surgery to remove it, and I was no where to be found.

Ive seen other people deal with cancer, seen the stress on their face and heard the stories, but no matter how much of that you have seen from the outside looking in, it will never prepare you for that journey. I wasnt able to make it back home to help neither my dad nor mom during this difficult time, but I made sure that I saw them and talked to them multiple times during the day. Although I was not physically able to help relieve my mother from long nights in the hospital or helping take care of her house, talking to throughout the day helped us both. I dont wish any ill upon my enemies to begin with, but I swear I wouldnt wish watching your parent go through something so stressful up them either.

I will say this, something serious like cancer will show you how strong people are. For instance, my mom has always been everyones nurse - Nurse Rachette according to her.  But for as long as I can remember, she has always taken care of people when they needed it, changing bandages, giving shots, etc.  So I know she had an idea of how she would be needed in this situation, but I think she underestimated how much of a toll it would take on her. Nonetheless, ma was there right by daddys side taking care of him and fussing at him like normal all while running around on next to nothing fume wise. The strength of my mother during this situation was nothing short of amazing, and as crazy as Sr talks about the both of us, I hope i can be just as strong as her if the need ever arises. I dont think I ever really told her thank you or not, but ma, when you do read this, just know that the gratitude and thankfulness of having you as a mother to show me what true strength is, and how to be a phenomenal wife is the best thing you could have even shown me. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of my daddy and help bringing him back to his old self again. I love you

In regards to my father, well lets just say Im sure I got on his nerves. lol I face timed with him daily, multiple times, got to see him when no one else by my mother could and I think i was occasionally ignored. But you know what, it was worth it. After surgeries, multiple ER visits, weight loss, dehydration and stuborness, I can happily say that my daddy is cancer free and smiling, yet another reason why he is still the strongest man I know. I wont go into detail about our journey, but I will say, Im loving where we are at and I am so proud of my dad. Its been a little over 2 months and he is back to the gym working out and doing everything else he was doing before this detour. Daddy, I am so proud of you. You bounced back from something that some people can never do. We had some low points but you never gave up. Youve always been the strongest person I know, but now you just set a new standard. lol Im so proud of you and love you with everything inside of me.

Monday, December 14, 2015

you never imagine the shoe to fit on your foot, or for something to happen to you. But when it does happen to you, its a complete world changer. I got some news that was rather intense while i was doing a clients hair this past weekend. This type of news I would imagine the big dramatic phone falling to the floor in slow motion with that ugly crying face happening simultaneously. But since I was working at the moment in an intimate setting, that couldn't happen. Instead, I followed up with a question and said "well ok just keep me posted" and hung up. Small talk was made throughout the night in efforts to hide any awkward moments there may be if my client heard any of the convo and also just to keep my mind from wandering, but small talk only lasts for so long. I kept my composer very well throughout the appointment and kept it cool, but when my behind finally laid down for the night, the flood gates opened. Now, almost 3 days later, i find myself having these random moments filled with silent tears, and as of late, trying to figure out exactly how or what i should be filling. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and keep praying, but what happens when fear overtakes that strength i thought was there? Suddenly i feel like the character in "we are in a book" yelling i have more to give, I need more time, I have so much more to say. Yet when I go to speak, i cant find any words to say and i tap dance on egg shells avoiding the subject because i dont want to make anyone feel bad or bring the moment down. Any time i have a serious situation i have my go to person, but what if my go to is hurting and dealing with this only on a first hand local basis. Then what? I dont want to remind them any more than i have to, because i know if my random tearful moments are happening, who's to say theirs arent happening 10 times over. I know this situation isnt about me, nor am i trying to make it that way, but right now, 3 days in, i dont know what to do. I have no control and that is an issue for someone who is something like a control freak. My heart hurts, it has been hurting for 3 days now, and what makes it worse is that i dont even know to what extent this hurt will go to. i can hear the changes in their voice, one of pain and one of fear and there is absolutely nothing i can do being miles apart. I need to be there, me, not anyone else, me. But what is the point of me rushing to just sit like a duck waiting. I just want to make this better, make you better, make it all ok. I dont want my heart to hurt anymore, i dont want you to hurt or for the pain to get worse, i just want you to be ok. i cant stop myself from crying, i dont even know to what capacity i should be crying right now, but i know im scared and i cant stop these tears from falling. im not sure how strong ill be through this right now, this waiting is making me weak. i just want the strongest person i know to stay that way and to be ok....