Monday, December 14, 2015

you never imagine the shoe to fit on your foot, or for something to happen to you. But when it does happen to you, its a complete world changer. I got some news that was rather intense while i was doing a clients hair this past weekend. This type of news I would imagine the big dramatic phone falling to the floor in slow motion with that ugly crying face happening simultaneously. But since I was working at the moment in an intimate setting, that couldn't happen. Instead, I followed up with a question and said "well ok just keep me posted" and hung up. Small talk was made throughout the night in efforts to hide any awkward moments there may be if my client heard any of the convo and also just to keep my mind from wandering, but small talk only lasts for so long. I kept my composer very well throughout the appointment and kept it cool, but when my behind finally laid down for the night, the flood gates opened. Now, almost 3 days later, i find myself having these random moments filled with silent tears, and as of late, trying to figure out exactly how or what i should be filling. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and keep praying, but what happens when fear overtakes that strength i thought was there? Suddenly i feel like the character in "we are in a book" yelling i have more to give, I need more time, I have so much more to say. Yet when I go to speak, i cant find any words to say and i tap dance on egg shells avoiding the subject because i dont want to make anyone feel bad or bring the moment down. Any time i have a serious situation i have my go to person, but what if my go to is hurting and dealing with this only on a first hand local basis. Then what? I dont want to remind them any more than i have to, because i know if my random tearful moments are happening, who's to say theirs arent happening 10 times over. I know this situation isnt about me, nor am i trying to make it that way, but right now, 3 days in, i dont know what to do. I have no control and that is an issue for someone who is something like a control freak. My heart hurts, it has been hurting for 3 days now, and what makes it worse is that i dont even know to what extent this hurt will go to. i can hear the changes in their voice, one of pain and one of fear and there is absolutely nothing i can do being miles apart. I need to be there, me, not anyone else, me. But what is the point of me rushing to just sit like a duck waiting. I just want to make this better, make you better, make it all ok. I dont want my heart to hurt anymore, i dont want you to hurt or for the pain to get worse, i just want you to be ok. i cant stop myself from crying, i dont even know to what capacity i should be crying right now, but i know im scared and i cant stop these tears from falling. im not sure how strong ill be through this right now, this waiting is making me weak. i just want the strongest person i know to stay that way and to be ok....

Monday, September 28, 2015

My child is a reflection of me.

My child is a reflection of me.

This is something that I remind myself of daily, especially when we have these back and forth moments with our attitudes and words. Granted he is 5 but I see so much of me in him its crazy. Hes stubborn, hard headed and a smart ass. Im not as stubborn as I used to be but the latter of the two..oh buddy. I struggle with myself as a parent daily, wondering how to make my melanted son grow into a strong melenated man that can survive any storm that comes his way and be thankful that I am his mother and taught him many lessons. I know that he loves me more than life itself, he shows that immediately after he gets done throwing his fits. But it still worries me that Im not doing everything possible for him to make sure he'll be alright. Sometimes I find myself wondering if Suzie Q's mom and dad have to repeat things fiftyleven times to get their child to listen and do right or is it that glorified picture that has always been given to us about the non melenated peoples of the world. My mind isnt going to pull memories back from kindergarten for me to be like "oh yeah I was just like him growing up."  He has told me more than once that I am mean to him, but like really what do you expect when i have to repeat things 5million times over.. I guess i am part of the instant gratification generation in wanting immediate results. I hate when he tells me that im mean because thats not what im striving to be and i dont want him to hate me, but tell me what else am i supposed to do? Talking regular using my "little johnny" voice doesnt work, so then it becomes the issue of raising my voice and damn near becoming irate before anything gets done. My child is a reflection of me, so i know there are things i need to change, especially in my attitude and voice, but its just hard when youre battling that Taurus. I know i have things i need to work on, not only for my son but also for myself and marriage, the question becomes where to start?

Monday, July 27, 2015

older weight

Being the oldest is a badge that I wear proudly, damn near boastfully. When your'e the oldest, your automatically the favorite and everyone tends to look to you for guidance. As Ive gotten older, Ive noticed the responsibility with this title in the real world bears some weight, at least for me it does. Ive talked with my right hand man before and was talking about how it is our responsibility to keep this tree together since we are the next generation. I try to talk to the youngins about life and things that Ive experienced in hoping that they are listening and will avoid my mistakes. For the most part we are all like minded and do well, but of course we all live our own lives and make our own choices. Unfortunately those choices arent always the best, and some times they come back to haunt us. One of my favorite branches recently had some issues and well the results arent for the best. Times like this, I feel like I should've been there more, should've said more, should've checkup more. But I didnt. I was busy living in on my branch, not worrying about other parts of this tree. Granted I know its not my responsibility, but essentially it is, I am after all the oldest. Im sorry my mad scientist, I shouldve checked up on you more, should've been that positive voice in your ear that you needed. I love you.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Running Breaks = No Bueno

This past week I was off for the entire week and it was lovely. No work to do, only one head and a little bit of house work, it was great. The only thing bad about that lovely mini vacation was that some how I did not run once. Can you imagine? I had days to myself, morning were a breeze and I did not run once. Sad and pitiful I tell ya, sad and pitiful. Taking that unplanned break was a horrible thing to do.

I got a little taste of running Saturday when Jr and I participated in the 5K put on by my employer and it was then that I realized I hadn't ran all week and I was missing the feeling it gave me. Jr and I ran probably about 4 good city blocks before he decided that he could do no more. I was jonesing to just go and run that 5K after he and I stopped running. I saw a few people that I know run past me as all those who were there to really run the 5K were passing all of us on the walking side. It was damn near torture. Then it was like I had never been to a 5K before, Jr is in jean shorts, I'm in jean capris and were among anything and everything spandex and legging related. I don't really know why we didn't wear the correct clothing, I guess it was because I wasn't running so the appropriate attire wasn't necessary. Hell I dont know, what I do know is, that type of break will not happen again to cloud my running judgement - Allah willing.   

Sr and I were discussing earlier about how many times it would take to complete a mile when going around the playground across the street from our house, even placed a little wager to see who would be closest. I decided that I would run it while he and Jr played soccer and win this bet (which we never set a prize for.) I was doing great for the first .3 miles, then I caught a cramp in my side. When I started feeling myself slow down due to the cramp, I decided to go ahead and put my running music on. Which by the way, house music to me is the best thing to run to, just saying. Any way so after I got my music going, I picked it up a bit, but let me tell you, running in the evening when its hot is something I am not used to. I like those cool 5am runs, where the bugs are still sleeping, the roosters are saying good morning and its still something like dark out. 7pm runs are not for me, especially when running in a circle. I felt like a damn hamster running in a wheel, nu uh, that running scene is not for me.  Like I told Sr, when running in the neighborhood, you know you have to keep going, either you keep moving forward and keep going or you turn around, either way there is no easy exit. So why not keep moving forward and keep pushing yourself? When running on this makeshift track at this playground, its easy to just say forget it and cut through the play yard and walk on home and be done. To easy, not enough to keep me going. So anyway back to this distance wager, after running/ briskly walking the track about 11 times, I went to go see how far I have gone and you will never guess how far I went......   ..... 0.3 miles. I apparently hit the pause button when trying to pull up my music. You talk about a run/walk done in vain. I was so mad and schwetty by that time, I figured it was time to be done for the night. So I guess we shall see how far it is tomorrow when I try it again. Only this time I will be more prepared. My music will be on first, my gps will be on to track it all and most importantly I will run more than I will walk. I will be prepared to run and act like I know what I'm doing this time, I will actually be out in the neighborhood tomorrow at 5:15ish to get my morning meditation on. Tomorrow will be a better day, who knows I may be in for a good treat and run twice tomorrow, if my knees will allow it.  

Do any of you run? What type of environment do you prefer to run in? What is your favorite running shoe?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Yesterday I wrote about the recent events in my life, sharing what is happening in my own little bubble in this world. As if everything is great and wonderful and it is all glitter and unicorns. In my bubble, its definitely not that glitter and unicorns, but it works for me and I am happy. Outside of my bubble, this world is chaos. In this city in the month of June,  I know for a fact that there have been at least 10 shootings with about 75% of them moving on to their next life time.  Hell, one of Louisville's own hip hop artist was gunned down outside of a local club. And were 18 days in to the month. This past weekend Louisville has made it to the list of murderous police and their excessive force being used. A refugee has been shot and killed by a police officer after being hit with a flag pole - that broke over his head (clearly non life threatening.) 

There has been so much going on in this country here lately with the police and their justification of the use of excessive force and deadly force. A couple of weeks ago, there was a police officer who was on a power trip slamming a teenage female to the ground. She was in a bathing suit, so clearly she was not armed or dangerous and if this police officer considered her life threatening with a towel, well he needs to be a security guard at a dog hotel. Seriously. Last night there was a man who went to a church in Charleston and killed  9 people. NINE. He got away, he didn't get captured until earlier today. And he was captured with no injuries. Why? How long will it take for the defense to yell mental illness? How long will it take for him to be convicted and just sit in jail like everything is OK? I'm sorry, but I'm FED UP. I am sick and tired of the police (both melanated and non) using unnecessary force when it comes to melanated people.  Why do i say melanated police, have we forgot Eric Garner? Yeah those police were melanated too. Do you think that the police are here for our protection and to serve US? Nah playa. The police started off at night watchers and slave catchers, can you see why they have the mentality that they do? Hell the police commissioner of NY even stated "Many of the worst parts of black history would have been impossible without police, too...Slavery, our country’s original sin, sat on a foundation codified by laws enforced by police, by slave-catchers." I know there are good cops out there, but here as of lately its hard to believe that they exist or that they even care. Shit they are probably scared themselves to stand up and try to change the image that they now have. 

One thing regarding the shooting that took place in Charleston that irked me was the fact that the president is trying to make this about gun control. Sir the fact that this is being classified as a hate crime, lets you know that its more than just gun control. As a melanated woman, knowing that that i have a son to raise in this country, it is very disheartening knowing that the person who  "runs" the country is more concerned about controlling the weapons than he is addressing the issues of  HIS people. 1st black president.. It was all a dream- in my biggie voice. He has to play the political game I guess, but certainly he cant be as blind as he seems. Does he not know that melanated people are FED UP and its only getting worse? We are tired of losing our own at the hands that we pay for via taxes. We are tired of losing our own to people who have it in their head to assassinate us and get to play the mental illness card every time. WE ARE FED UP. A change is needed and it is coming. 

#NoJustice #NoPeace 

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Shes been at is again... Or not.

Yes, yes, I know.  I have fallen off the blogging wagon again.  *sigh* It happens to the best of us. 

You know what Ives been doing since last time? RUNNING! I am a runner and I love it. I have been running since last month and I can honestly say I am thoroughly enjoying it.  I cracked myself up this past weekend when we were in Wisconsin, picture it: I have an uncle who runs, even when he travels. So this past weekend when we were in Wisconsin, I made sure that I took advantage of the scenery and went for a run, 2 miles in  26 minutes. Here at home, I've been running around the neighborhood, almost 2 miles two times during the week, maybe a little further on the weekends- depending on how busy I've been. So that's that. #iLoveRunning Now to find some running shoes that wont break the bank. Care to donate? lol  

What else have I been doing? Oh! I have made a raised garden bed and have some tasty treats growing! I was in DIY mode and made a raised garden bed from a few pallets. From there I planted tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, onions, squash, jalepenos, red peppers, kale, sage, carrots and a few garlic cloves. Now when I planned everything out, the onions and garlic were not a part of the plan. Adding those two kind of made the place a little crowded since I didnt take into account how large plants have to grow in order to produce fruits. Soo now my lettuce and spinach are suffering since the squash are trying to take over that area. One thing that the squash have not deebo'd is my carrots.  I screamed and jumped for joy the other day when I saw those carrot tops! My tomatoes are finally flowering as well, so those oh so lovely fried green tomatoes will be harvested soon. I am pumped.   

Last fall, Sr and I decided to put one of our pumpkins in the tire that we have out in front of our house just to see what would be the result. Well take a look at this! We have something like a small pumpkin patch! Whoop Whoop! 

Monday, March 16, 2015

Full Heart - Long Post

Within 24 hours, my heart has been through some things and I just feel like I need to talk about them. I'll try to keep it together, but if I start rambling...well.. enjoy.. its my world right?

It started yesterday, waiting for my friend to arrive to the nail shop so we could have our birthday pedicures. I was on facebook and saw a status that alarmed me. So me being the one that I am, I trolled for a little bit, only to confirm the worst. A family member transitioned into their next life time at the hands of someone else. With the way of the world and how the media is set up, it almost seems as if you become de-sensitized to murder stories you hear or read about...until it hits close to home. This family member is an in-law of mine, my husband grew up with this man, hell Quon is the one that put him on to rapping and doing music. So there is a definite sadness for not only a great person who lost his life here in this plane, but also to see my husband sit in a daze, shake his head and say 'damn man.' I hate it for him and the whole family. Quon was really a great dude and you can see it by the many posts that have been put to his facebook page about how he was a great friend. His legacy is one that his mother should be proud of, her son was a great man. 

So while Im waiting for official word from a family member about Quon, I was able to have a comedic moment with my friend during our pedicure. I learned that I will never sit in the second seat on the left in that particular nail shop again. The pedicure chairs are supposed to massage and soothe you.. HA! The chair I got was like a hospital bed gone wrong. It sat straight up making me sit something like hunched over; for a minute I thought that I was going to be sqooshed like you see when the hospital beds close up on folks. The seat had some type of pressure that was applied to my butt while smooshing my legs together.  It was almost like it was trying to smoosh me into a ball. lol 
I was trying to press buttons and fix it so I could enjoy my massage and sit something like relaxed, apparently while I was struggling with the remote, the lady across the way was cracking the hell up. There is no telling how long she was silently dying inside from my struggle, but Im glad I was able to make her day. Needless to say, my lower back is kind of tender today, so the struggle wasnt really worth it, but the time with my friend was great and well needed. Anndd my toes were fabulous in my peep toes at the concert. 

What concert you say? Oh, I just went to the PRINCE concert last night. Let me first explain that the stress to get these tickets was intense. These tickets went on sale the Monday before the concert at 10 am.. Do you know that I was on the site at 10:07 and they were SOLD OUT?!?!?! I was hurt. So I carried on with my life and continued on trying the best I could. lol I think it was Wednesday, a co-worker of mine sent me a message telling me that they have added a 3rd show and it was Sunday. Do you know any and everything that I was doing at that particular moment STOPPED. It truly was one of those situations of dont talk to me while I'm doing this, because if you do, you will make the internet crash and I will never get these tickets. (Yeah it was that serious) Needless to say, I got my tickets. It was meant for me to be there. See, I was raised as a Prince child. You know how some will say it was either Prince or Michael, well I remember more Prince than I do Michael and will always love that little narrow man in the purple. 
So the day started off busy yesterday, I had some hair to do, got some bad news, was beat up by a massage chair and had to walk two blocks from the car (we wanted a quick escape route and miss traffic.) We got to the palace and right off the bat, they were telling us that pictures were not allowed, no recording devices, nada. I wasn't really sure how they were going to enforce it, but I wasn't surprised since Prince has all of his music on LOCKDOWN. Hence the reason why you cant find much if any on the internet. So we get to our seats and immediately, I take a couple of pics (insert evil grin) they were just of the stage area and my handsome date for the night. When the show starts, they tried to play a few intro pieces to a couple of songs and then whoosh, the curtains come up and there is this man, in a purple fit, with sparkly silver shoes and an afro standing behind the symbol that once represented his name, at that exact moment I had such a wave of emotions come over me. Some may have thought I was crying because Prince just came on the stage, I was really crying because I missed my aunt Thais something terrible and was wishing she could be there to enjoy this moment with me. Even writing this now, just thinking about it makes me cry. I'm not going to lie, I was there in that building for me and for her because I know she would have loved to be there. So I made sure I enjoyed every moment of that concert not only for myself but for her. I dont know if the people behind me saw much, but I know I stood for the majority of that concert.  I wanted her to feel and enjoy this as much as I did. There is only one word that I can think of that can describe that concert: MAGICAL. That man DID HIS THING  on that stage. He made that guitar cry, he played the keyboard, he was on the bass, he was skipping across that stage truly putting on a show. That show will be my #1 for life, it was a dream come true. In having an emotional moment for my aunt during that time, I could tell that there was sadness due to Quons recent passing and it my baby didn't enjoy the concert as much as he could have. 

It was almost like I was using the concert as a method to block the processing of recent passings and now that I've come off of my Prince high, my heart can process the hurt and sorrow. So today during work, while our systems were down and there was plenty of time to do nothing I was able process the sadness that comes with situations like this. It doesn't help that I had something like a small flood gate of emotions watching that man in the purple suit. Hell, I had to come home and watch the slide show of my aunt just so i could see her smile again. I dont think that I handle death as well as others sometimes. And the bad part is, the two deaths that I have/am dealing with as an adult were of people that I did not talk to or interact with on a regular basis.  I feel like I almost have to find something to keep me distracted from all of this, because I can just cry my heart out. And this is for both Quon and my aunt Thais, when really I'm crying because they are not in the physical state anymore, I know they are still here with us, if they weren't I would not have had such an overwhelming experience at the concert last night. 

Now that I've gone from down, up, down, I must come back to a happy place in my emotions and make a happy heart. Some of my readers may or may not know that I am starting a garden this year.  I was able to find some pallets for free and have been working to disassemble them so I can reassemble them to make a raised garden bed. Since I was able to get home earlier than normal today, Sr helped pull pallets apart while I cleaned the back yard. I am happy to say that my raised garden bed will be ready soon. I will write more on that once it is complete, I have been taking pictures as well.  So that is exciting. 

Anyway, thanks for reading whoever you are.  I know its been a while since I've written, but with a heart so full, it was only right. 

Rest Easy Quon. You are loved by many and will be truly missed. Thank you for accepting me in this family and help make the man I love so much, the great person he is. I guess I'll see you next life time. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

New year, new me..

Isn't that how the saying goes? Well it is a new year, but its not a new me, just one that is improving. As last year came to a close, i had a real moment in the sense that i realized i was not happy with certain aspects of myself  and my life. So with that, i knew that changes were in order.  I decided that starting January 1, i was going to fast from sun up to noon and in doing so i would pray more and really listen and take the guidance being provided to me. Along with am fasting, i have also been meditating in the evening.  That has given me so much clarity and peace in itself. I am seeing changes not only in myself but also in others around me especially my son. Its almost like a light has gone off with him and his attitude has flipped for the better.  Hes never been a horribly bad kid, just a 4 year old that can make your head hurt...well with me anyway.  But its like hes turning into a whole new dude, its crazy but i a grateful.  Ive noticed that i am becoming more patient and more peaceful. I dont let much alter my energy, especially in the area that needed fixing the most (my job). Im grateful for these changes. im grateful for the more natural changes i have been making as well. Oil pulling more often, lemon water daily, no fluoride infested toothpaste,  all natural deoderant, essential oils... its just little things that make such a difference. It's not a new me, just an improving one. I have about 12 days left of fasting. Lets see what else Allah will do for me.

That is all. Be blessed.