Monday, December 14, 2015

you never imagine the shoe to fit on your foot, or for something to happen to you. But when it does happen to you, its a complete world changer. I got some news that was rather intense while i was doing a clients hair this past weekend. This type of news I would imagine the big dramatic phone falling to the floor in slow motion with that ugly crying face happening simultaneously. But since I was working at the moment in an intimate setting, that couldn't happen. Instead, I followed up with a question and said "well ok just keep me posted" and hung up. Small talk was made throughout the night in efforts to hide any awkward moments there may be if my client heard any of the convo and also just to keep my mind from wandering, but small talk only lasts for so long. I kept my composer very well throughout the appointment and kept it cool, but when my behind finally laid down for the night, the flood gates opened. Now, almost 3 days later, i find myself having these random moments filled with silent tears, and as of late, trying to figure out exactly how or what i should be filling. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and keep praying, but what happens when fear overtakes that strength i thought was there? Suddenly i feel like the character in "we are in a book" yelling i have more to give, I need more time, I have so much more to say. Yet when I go to speak, i cant find any words to say and i tap dance on egg shells avoiding the subject because i dont want to make anyone feel bad or bring the moment down. Any time i have a serious situation i have my go to person, but what if my go to is hurting and dealing with this only on a first hand local basis. Then what? I dont want to remind them any more than i have to, because i know if my random tearful moments are happening, who's to say theirs arent happening 10 times over. I know this situation isnt about me, nor am i trying to make it that way, but right now, 3 days in, i dont know what to do. I have no control and that is an issue for someone who is something like a control freak. My heart hurts, it has been hurting for 3 days now, and what makes it worse is that i dont even know to what extent this hurt will go to. i can hear the changes in their voice, one of pain and one of fear and there is absolutely nothing i can do being miles apart. I need to be there, me, not anyone else, me. But what is the point of me rushing to just sit like a duck waiting. I just want to make this better, make you better, make it all ok. I dont want my heart to hurt anymore, i dont want you to hurt or for the pain to get worse, i just want you to be ok. i cant stop myself from crying, i dont even know to what capacity i should be crying right now, but i know im scared and i cant stop these tears from falling. im not sure how strong ill be through this right now, this waiting is making me weak. i just want the strongest person i know to stay that way and to be ok....

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