Today is the day.

Today i feel each and every one of the 700 miles that separates me from my parents. Today is the day that i knew was coming, yet i cant help but to cry. Today is the day i sit in my corner at work and try to cry as silently as i can. Today is the day that i lean on those in my circle more than i have ever done before. Today is the day that i will more than likely do nothing productive because i cant keep my mind from trying to visualize what is going on. Today is the day that my eye will not stop twitching. Today is the day that i will try to hide my red watery eyes and red nose from my son.
Although i knew that my father was having surgery today, it still worries me and makes me nervous, especially since im not there to help in anyway. -- This was written January 4, 2016. This day was the beginning of one of the most stressful times in my life. My father had been diagnosed with cancer, and that day was the day that he would have an 8+ hour surgery to remove it, and I was no where to be found.

Ive seen other people deal with cancer, seen the stress on their face and heard the stories, but no matter how much of that you have seen from the outside looking in, it will never prepare you for that journey. I wasnt able to make it back home to help neither my dad nor mom during this difficult time, but I made sure that I saw them and talked to them multiple times during the day. Although I was not physically able to help relieve my mother from long nights in the hospital or helping take care of her house, talking to throughout the day helped us both. I dont wish any ill upon my enemies to begin with, but I swear I wouldnt wish watching your parent go through something so stressful up them either.

I will say this, something serious like cancer will show you how strong people are. For instance, my mom has always been everyones nurse - Nurse Rachette according to her.  But for as long as I can remember, she has always taken care of people when they needed it, changing bandages, giving shots, etc.  So I know she had an idea of how she would be needed in this situation, but I think she underestimated how much of a toll it would take on her. Nonetheless, ma was there right by daddys side taking care of him and fussing at him like normal all while running around on next to nothing fume wise. The strength of my mother during this situation was nothing short of amazing, and as crazy as Sr talks about the both of us, I hope i can be just as strong as her if the need ever arises. I dont think I ever really told her thank you or not, but ma, when you do read this, just know that the gratitude and thankfulness of having you as a mother to show me what true strength is, and how to be a phenomenal wife is the best thing you could have even shown me. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of my daddy and help bringing him back to his old self again. I love you

In regards to my father, well lets just say Im sure I got on his nerves. lol I face timed with him daily, multiple times, got to see him when no one else by my mother could and I think i was occasionally ignored. But you know what, it was worth it. After surgeries, multiple ER visits, weight loss, dehydration and stuborness, I can happily say that my daddy is cancer free and smiling, yet another reason why he is still the strongest man I know. I wont go into detail about our journey, but I will say, Im loving where we are at and I am so proud of my dad. Its been a little over 2 months and he is back to the gym working out and doing everything else he was doing before this detour. Daddy, I am so proud of you. You bounced back from something that some people can never do. We had some low points but you never gave up. Youve always been the strongest person I know, but now you just set a new standard. lol Im so proud of you and love you with everything inside of me.

you never imagine the shoe to fit on your foot, or for something to happen to you. But when it does happen to you, its a complete world changer. I got some news that was rather intense while i was doing a clients hair this past weekend. This type of news I would imagine the big dramatic phone falling to the floor in slow motion with that ugly crying face happening simultaneously. But since I was working at the moment in an intimate setting, that couldn't happen. Instead, I followed up with a question and said "well ok just keep me posted" and hung up. Small talk was made throughout the night in efforts to hide any awkward moments there may be if my client heard any of the convo and also just to keep my mind from wandering, but small talk only lasts for so long. I kept my composer very well throughout the appointment and kept it cool, but when my behind finally laid down for the night, the flood gates opened. Now, almost 3 days later, i find myself having these random moments filled with silent tears, and as of late, trying to figure out exactly how or what i should be filling. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and keep praying, but what happens when fear overtakes that strength i thought was there? Suddenly i feel like the character in "we are in a book" yelling i have more to give, I need more time, I have so much more to say. Yet when I go to speak, i cant find any words to say and i tap dance on egg shells avoiding the subject because i dont want to make anyone feel bad or bring the moment down. Any time i have a serious situation i have my go to person, but what if my go to is hurting and dealing with this only on a first hand local basis. Then what? I dont want to remind them any more than i have to, because i know if my random tearful moments are happening, who's to say theirs arent happening 10 times over. I know this situation isnt about me, nor am i trying to make it that way, but right now, 3 days in, i dont know what to do. I have no control and that is an issue for someone who is something like a control freak. My heart hurts, it has been hurting for 3 days now, and what makes it worse is that i dont even know to what extent this hurt will go to. i can hear the changes in their voice, one of pain and one of fear and there is absolutely nothing i can do being miles apart. I need to be there, me, not anyone else, me. But what is the point of me rushing to just sit like a duck waiting. I just want to make this better, make you better, make it all ok. I dont want my heart to hurt anymore, i dont want you to hurt or for the pain to get worse, i just want you to be ok. i cant stop myself from crying, i dont even know to what capacity i should be crying right now, but i know im scared and i cant stop these tears from falling. im not sure how strong ill be through this right now, this waiting is making me weak. i just want the strongest person i know to stay that way and to be ok....

My child is a reflection of me.

My child is a reflection of me.


This is something that I remind myself of daily, especially when we have these back and forth moments with our attitudes and words. Granted he is 5 but I see so much of me in him its crazy. Hes stubborn, hard headed and a smart ass. Im not as stubborn as I used to be but the latter of the two..oh buddy. I struggle with myself as a parent daily, wondering how to make my melanted son grow into a strong melenated man that can survive any storm that comes his way and be thankful that I am his mother and taught him many lessons. I know that he loves me more than life itself, he shows that immediately after he gets done throwing his fits. But it still worries me that Im not doing everything possible for him to make sure he'll be alright. Sometimes I find myself wondering if Suzie Q's mom and dad have to repeat things fiftyleven times to get their child to listen and do right or is it that glorified picture that has always been given to us about the non melenated peoples of the world. My mind isnt going to pull memories back from kindergarten for me to be like "oh yeah I was just like him growing up."  He has told me more than once that I am mean to him, but like really what do you expect when i have to repeat things 5million times over.. I guess i am part of the instant gratification generation in wanting immediate results. I hate when he tells me that im mean because thats not what im striving to be and i dont want him to hate me, but tell me what else am i supposed to do? Talking regular using my "little johnny" voice doesnt work, so then it becomes the issue of raising my voice and damn near becoming irate before anything gets done. My child is a reflection of me, so i know there are things i need to change, especially in my attitude and voice, but its just hard when youre battling that Taurus. I know i have things i need to work on, not only for my son but also for myself and marriage, the question becomes where to start?

older weight

Being the oldest is a badge that I wear proudly, damn near boastfully. When your'e the oldest, your automatically the favorite and everyone tends to look to you for guidance. As Ive gotten older, Ive noticed the responsibility with this title in the real world bears some weight, at least for me it does. Ive talked with my right hand man before and was talking about how it is our responsibility to keep this tree together since we are the next generation. I try to talk to the youngins about life and things that Ive experienced in hoping that they are listening and will avoid my mistakes. For the most part we are all like minded and do well, but of course we all live our own lives and make our own choices. Unfortunately those choices arent always the best, and some times they come back to haunt us. One of my favorite branches recently had some issues and well the results arent for the best. Times like this, I feel like I should've been there more, should've said more, should've checkup more. But I didnt. I was busy living in on my branch, not worrying about other parts of this tree. Granted I know its not my responsibility, but essentially it is, I am after all the oldest. Im sorry my mad scientist, I shouldve checked up on you more, should've been that positive voice in your ear that you needed. I love you.

Running Breaks = No Bueno

This past week I was off for the entire week and it was lovely. No work to do, only one head and a little bit of house work, it was great. The only thing bad about that lovely mini vacation was that some how I did not run once. Can you imagine? I had days to myself, morning were a breeze and I did not run once. Sad and pitiful I tell ya, sad and pitiful. Taking that unplanned break was a horrible thing to do.

I got a little taste of running Saturday when Jr and I participated in the 5K put on by my employer and it was then that I realized I hadn't ran all week and I was missing the feeling it gave me. Jr and I ran probably about 4 good city blocks before he decided that he could do no more. I was jonesing to just go and run that 5K after he and I stopped running. I saw a few people that I know run past me as all those who were there to really run the 5K were passing all of us on the walking side. It was damn near torture. Then it was like I had never been to a 5K before, Jr is in jean shorts, I'm in jean capris and were among anything and everything spandex and legging related. I don't really know why we didn't wear the correct clothing, I guess it was because I wasn't running so the appropriate attire wasn't necessary. Hell I dont know, what I do know is, that type of break will not happen again to cloud my running judgement - Allah willing.   

Sr and I were discussing earlier about how many times it would take to complete a mile when going around the playground across the street from our house, even placed a little wager to see who would be closest. I decided that I would run it while he and Jr played soccer and win this bet (which we never set a prize for.) I was doing great for the first .3 miles, then I caught a cramp in my side. When I started feeling myself slow down due to the cramp, I decided to go ahead and put my running music on. Which by the way, house music to me is the best thing to run to, just saying. Any way so after I got my music going, I picked it up a bit, but let me tell you, running in the evening when its hot is something I am not used to. I like those cool 5am runs, where the bugs are still sleeping, the roosters are saying good morning and its still something like dark out. 7pm runs are not for me, especially when running in a circle. I felt like a damn hamster running in a wheel, nu uh, that running scene is not for me.  Like I told Sr, when running in the neighborhood, you know you have to keep going, either you keep moving forward and keep going or you turn around, either way there is no easy exit. So why not keep moving forward and keep pushing yourself? When running on this makeshift track at this playground, its easy to just say forget it and cut through the play yard and walk on home and be done. To easy, not enough to keep me going. So anyway back to this distance wager, after running/ briskly walking the track about 11 times, I went to go see how far I have gone and you will never guess how far I went......   ..... 0.3 miles. I apparently hit the pause button when trying to pull up my music. You talk about a run/walk done in vain. I was so mad and schwetty by that time, I figured it was time to be done for the night. So I guess we shall see how far it is tomorrow when I try it again. Only this time I will be more prepared. My music will be on first, my gps will be on to track it all and most importantly I will run more than I will walk. I will be prepared to run and act like I know what I'm doing this time, I will actually be out in the neighborhood tomorrow at 5:15ish to get my morning meditation on. Tomorrow will be a better day, who knows I may be in for a good treat and run twice tomorrow, if my knees will allow it.  

Do any of you run? What type of environment do you prefer to run in? What is your favorite running shoe?

Yesterday I wrote about the recent events in my life, sharing what is happening in my own little bubble in this world. As if everything is great and wonderful and it is all glitter and unicorns. In my bubble, its definitely not that glitter and unicorns, but it works for me and I am happy. Outside of my bubble, this world is chaos. In this city in the month of June,  I know for a fact that there have been at least 10 shootings with about 75% of them moving on to their next life time.  Hell, one of Louisville's own hip hop artist was gunned down outside of a local club. And were 18 days in to the month. This past weekend Louisville has made it to the list of murderous police and their excessive force being used. A refugee has been shot and killed by a police officer after being hit with a flag pole - that broke over his head (clearly non life threatening.) 

There has been so much going on in this country here lately with the police and their justification of the use of excessive force and deadly force. A couple of weeks ago, there was a police officer who was on a power trip slamming a teenage female to the ground. She was in a bathing suit, so clearly she was not armed or dangerous and if this police officer considered her life threatening with a towel, well he needs to be a security guard at a dog hotel. Seriously. Last night there was a man who went to a church in Charleston and killed  9 people. NINE. He got away, he didn't get captured until earlier today. And he was captured with no injuries. Why? How long will it take for the defense to yell mental illness? How long will it take for him to be convicted and just sit in jail like everything is OK? I'm sorry, but I'm FED UP. I am sick and tired of the police (both melanated and non) using unnecessary force when it comes to melanated people.  Why do i say melanated police, have we forgot Eric Garner? Yeah those police were melanated too. Do you think that the police are here for our protection and to serve US? Nah playa. The police started off at night watchers and slave catchers, can you see why they have the mentality that they do? Hell the police commissioner of NY even stated "Many of the worst parts of black history would have been impossible without police, too...Slavery, our country’s original sin, sat on a foundation codified by laws enforced by police, by slave-catchers." I know there are good cops out there, but here as of lately its hard to believe that they exist or that they even care. Shit they are probably scared themselves to stand up and try to change the image that they now have. 

One thing regarding the shooting that took place in Charleston that irked me was the fact that the president is trying to make this about gun control. Sir the fact that this is being classified as a hate crime, lets you know that its more than just gun control. As a melanated woman, knowing that that i have a son to raise in this country, it is very disheartening knowing that the person who  "runs" the country is more concerned about controlling the weapons than he is addressing the issues of  HIS people. 1st black president.. It was all a dream- in my biggie voice. He has to play the political game I guess, but certainly he cant be as blind as he seems. Does he not know that melanated people are FED UP and its only getting worse? We are tired of losing our own at the hands that we pay for via taxes. We are tired of losing our own to people who have it in their head to assassinate us and get to play the mental illness card every time. WE ARE FED UP. A change is needed and it is coming. 

#NoJustice #NoPeace 

Shes been at is again... Or not.

Yes, yes, I know.  I have fallen off the blogging wagon again.  *sigh* It happens to the best of us. 

You know what Ives been doing since last time? RUNNING! I am a runner and I love it. I have been running since last month and I can honestly say I am thoroughly enjoying it.  I cracked myself up this past weekend when we were in Wisconsin, picture it: I have an uncle who runs, even when he travels. So this past weekend when we were in Wisconsin, I made sure that I took advantage of the scenery and went for a run, 2 miles in  26 minutes. Here at home, I've been running around the neighborhood, almost 2 miles two times during the week, maybe a little further on the weekends- depending on how busy I've been. So that's that. #iLoveRunning Now to find some running shoes that wont break the bank. Care to donate? lol  

What else have I been doing? Oh! I have made a raised garden bed and have some tasty treats growing! I was in DIY mode and made a raised garden bed from a few pallets. From there I planted tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, onions, squash, jalepenos, red peppers, kale, sage, carrots and a few garlic cloves. Now when I planned everything out, the onions and garlic were not a part of the plan. Adding those two kind of made the place a little crowded since I didnt take into account how large plants have to grow in order to produce fruits. Soo now my lettuce and spinach are suffering since the squash are trying to take over that area. One thing that the squash have not deebo'd is my carrots.  I screamed and jumped for joy the other day when I saw those carrot tops! My tomatoes are finally flowering as well, so those oh so lovely fried green tomatoes will be harvested soon. I am pumped.   

Last fall, Sr and I decided to put one of our pumpkins in the tire that we have out in front of our house just to see what would be the result. Well take a look at this! We have something like a small pumpkin patch! Whoop Whoop!