As a parent, it is our responsibilities to teach our children the things they need to know to survive. To have a transparent moment, i forget that i am their teacher probably more often than i should. I get frustrated that they dont already know what to do or how to do it and so instead of teaching them with an explanation so they know why, i tell them with expectations that they know exactly what to do with or without reason. My kids are 8 and 1 and somehow i have these super high expectations of them. With Jr its a little bit easier because he is older and is able to voice his concern, Rza on the other hand its a whole new path. Yes ive been a parent to a 1 year old before however, being a mother to a girl is completely different than it is to a boy. I didnt feel this kind of pressure in bringing Jr up, his father is here to show him how to be a manchild and brings the masculine energy that he needs. Do i show him how to be a good person, yes, but I dont have to teach him how to handle the pressures of being a black man in ameriKKKa. With Rza on the other hand, I am everything she needs to see, and be in life. I am supposed to show her how to be a strong woman who is still able to be selfless, strong, caring, smart, strong and essentially everything that black women are made of. Ive been so concerned with her and how she acts/reacts to stuff and not having the title of being a spoiled brat, that i forgot that she is only 1. My friend reminded me that she says thank you, is using the big girl potty and asks you if youre "aight." Some times we need those reminders. Then i get moments of gratefulness like tonight. Im currently watching Rza interact with her older baby cousin who was crying, she kept trying to rub his tummy with me asking if hes "aight" and offering her puppy dog to him. To know that shes trying to comfort him and make sure hes ok lets me know im doing something right. I will continue to keep checking myself when it comes to interacting with my kids and teaching them so that they can be the light this world needs. For now, i will just sit here and weep tears of joy as i watch this woman child interact with her cousin and feel all this love between them.

Day 18

Do you ever get excited when you have the opportunities to learn something new? Today is day 18 of my fast, my initial thought was that I was going to be done fasting on the full moon since I started on the new moon,you know completed the cycle and carry on. But I don't feel like I have learned everything that was for me during this time, so Ive decided to continue my fast until further notice. One of the things that was part of my initial intention was presented as a lesson to me both yesterday and today and it made me excited because this is why I am on this journey. Being able to be still and listen, or evaluate the moment you are in has provided me with the answers or guidance that I have been seeking. I give thanks because my intentions included improving how I communicate with my son, and to be mindful with my daughter since she is still learning to talk,  to be a better wife and to help in any way that I need in other areas of my walk.  I have been fortunate enough to have opportunities to work on my communication skills with my son and actually listened to what he had to say, or ask his opinion on situations or conflicts. In doing so, I can definitely see a change in my approach and I know that I am more aware when in these moments.  Now that I've decided to continue my fast, the opportunities to become a better wife have manifested as well. Being able to work on my communication, how to express my thoughts, allow what is being told to me to be received, processed and discussed differently is something I can appreciate. To get reminders from myself during frustrating moments makes grateful because this is the reason why I'm fasting. I will continue to be better and to have a better understanding of me. Day 18, Im grateful for you. 

I cant tell you how true this is. I mentioned to yall a while back about the Planner group Im in and  Ive been added to another tribe of women. They are well, just as dope. Granted the second group I speak of isnt as intimate as the planner group since everyone is located a little bit of everywhere. But Ill tell you what, there has been some good dialogue that has happened among us, and it has helped the growth process. That second group is actually the reason why I am still fasting, not saying it was a group project, but to say that the amount of guidance and information being shared led me to take this journey. Im truly grateful for the tribes that have embraced me and allowed me to grow. When they say that you should surround yourself with like minded people who will help you grow, its a true statement. Even if yall arent as like minded as  you think, being open and receptive to new ideas and suggestions is one of the best things you can do.  Salute to my empowered planning pose and also the wonderful women of Resurrecting the divine feminine group. I appreciate and receive all that you have to offer.

#sisterhoodIsEverything

I survived the weekend.

This was my first weekend of my fast and I survived! I asked a couple of sistahs that I know are currently on a fast as well if they continued over the weekend and it came to me. Why wouldnt I continue to fast over the weeeknd? Are the answers and clarity that I seek only for the weekdays? No? Then yes, you must continue to fast during the weekend while you are in your comfort zone and food is there waiting to be ate and prepared. Both days I got up before 8 which was hard since everyone else (especially the baby) were still sleep. But I knew that if I wanted to have something like a normal day, I needed to eat something. Greatness doesnt come with out sacrifice right? So saturday morning I enjoyed some salmon croquettes that my aunt taught me how to fix for myself, coffee and conversations with my husband. I proceeded to clean my fridge which then turned into the kitchen. Odd how the one area I wanted to avoid the most is the place I spent the most time in. But it was well worth it, the fridge sparkled, the counters, walls and floors all got washed so I give thanks for it. I will say that with me being so focused on trying to stay busy and not worry about being hungry, I didnt pray as much as I thought I should. I guess I wasnt supposed to, my main goal was to just make it through the day, which I did. I wont lie though, I did cut my fast short saturday but it was only by 30 minutes. I think it was having to feed the baby and make sure her food wasnt too hot that had me fall off the wagon. Sunday  I did better though. I got up and ate and went straight to doing my hair. Once everyone got up and moving, we went grocery shopping -which wasnt as bad as I thought it would be but Ill tell you I wanted all the junk I saw with my little eye. After shopping, I had a fabulous meet up with my planner group to do our vision boards and then it was back to the house to start dinner. I was super proud that even during my cooking, I did not taste a bit of whatever was on my fingers. lol It gives me joy to know that Ive been strong over this weekend and have made it through what I thought was going to be hell. So with that being said, I give thanks for making it through the weekend and more than half way through day 7. What have you given thanks for today?

Reflection

Why are you fasting Tae? Well because I feel like there has been a lot of chaos in my life at the beginning of the month and I tend to stress unnecessarily, so Im doing this to gain some clarity, and guidance and just get myself back together. Throughout this process, Ive been asking for guidance in where ever it is needed, to be a better parent to my children and wife and discipline. Today is day 5 and I honestly dont recall any fast being this difficult before. Day 3 seemed to be the most hungry Ive been throughout the day and yesterday was the most trying on my emotional state. I was like I was knocking at depressions door yesterday and I have no idea why. I reached out to a few people in regards to what I was feeling and was told its part of the detox process. I was also told to drink more water and tea, which I didnt do a whole lot of yesterday. So today I have my water on hand, and my tea sitting in front of me. I give thanks for the process and for having people to provide some guidance. Last night when I was in the shower, I asked why I was doing this because I dont feel like Im getting any answers, Im not seeing any signs or hearing my messages. Then it hit me this morning, you asked to be a better parent, has jr not been trying you more? Is that not an opportunity to be a better parent, to make a change in how you address him and the issue? Have you not been fighting with yourself about quitting this fast? But here you are back at it, staying disciplined and acknowledging what youve gone through and addressing how to change it? hmm... just when I thought this was a bust.. Heres to day 5 with plenty of water and tea.

PEACE                                            strength            Discipline
        Remain strong                the Ancestors will provide                               improvement


My spirit continues to grow with every reminder of my stomach growl. Battling myself arguing about giving in. But yet I remain. I will not break despite how much i want to quit. Something wont let me and for that i am grateful My ancestors, the divine spirit and the universe will continue to guide me and instruct me as i need. Allah continue to provide and i will be satisfied.

Goals

I found a paper that I wrote what I would do in 2016 and when I saw that I didnt even do the first thing on the list I just threw it away. It made me think of what Ive written down for 2018 and how I am determined to not have the same outcome. I wrote my goals down before 2017 closed and have written them multiple times. Matter of fact, I just took one of my many copies from my planner and put it on my new desk for me to see everyday. I am actually able to cross off one of my goals on my list 18 days into the new year, and it feels great! Reading over my goals, I see stuff that requires money to be put away and yet Im still moving in something like a similar pattern that isnt allowing me to save like I need to. Im glad I felt the need to write today, it has allowed me to revisit my plan and re-evaluate where Im at and how to adjust my plan accordingly. Have you set your goals yet? Do you plan on making a vision board? If not, how do you plan to manifest your desires?